The Wonders of Narcolepsy

I've been laying here awake for the past 2 hours thinking. It occurs to me how special it is to have Narcolepsy. Really, if you don't have it you are missing out. Big Time... Can't even imagine what life would be like without it. All that going to work stuff, traffic, rat racing through life. Nope, not for me, I'll tell you. You know, I did all that for oh... what was it... 19 years or something? I still find myself missing it for some odd reason. When I do, I remind myself of all the benefits Narcolepsy has provided. How many of you have been asked to donate your brain to science? Well, I have and it's not as re-assuring as you might imagine it to be. Imagine my brain going to science though! That's special. What other benefits does Narcolepsy provide? Read on, read on...

First, there's the wiring. Can't stay awake when needed, can't sleep when wanted. Makes social situations a real wonder. As in, I wonder if I'm going to stay awake through this. And there's some type of short in there somewhere around strong emotion and exercise. But, that's ok. Everyone has issues. I'm especially good to have around in bear country. If I'm startled, I might just collapse and give everyone else time to run away.

Second, you learn all sorts of new words, like amphetamine and Ritalin, and even learn to use them in sentences like, "Hey doc, why doesn't this Ritalin work anymore? Can't I try something stronger, like dextroamphetamine or Xyrem or both?". It's pretty fun learning new words. Can you say Gammahydroxybutalate? Wow, my tongue got all numb there for a second... so fun...

Third, it's invisible. Can't tell you how many people have suggested that I just cut out carbohydrates, go to bed earlier, see a therapist, and even stop eating red meat. Some people have called me lazy and un-disciplined. But it's not that easy. Now, if I walked with a limp or had an eyepatch (hmm not a bad idea actually... Argh! I've always wanted to be a pirate) or sat in a wheelchair, maybe then it'd be clear that I'm dealing with a bona fide disability. Let me say this, it doesn't matter what I eat, how much I sleep, who I speak with, or what I've killed for dinner, Narcolepsy is not going away. I'm dealing with it, please do the same.

Fourth, it's awkward and hey, that's just plain cool. I don't think there's an etiquette book written on Narcolepsy yet. When I'm tired, which is all the time, I just get it out on the table right away because I don't want any confusion about why I'm sleeping. In church, for example, it is impossible for me to sit through a service. Somehow the monotonous tones emanating from any speaker quickly turn into harp music and I peacefully dream about lying down on the floor and snoozing. So, I get up because it's better for me to be standing when I fall asleep apparently. Some people must not be able to sleep standing up, but I have no such problem I assure you. When I say something about sleeping standing up, people inevitably stare in awkward silence and then there you are. My circus-like ability to sleep in any position is just plain cool I tell you. I'm practically a licensed professional sleeper, world class. It doesn't get much better than this. I'm like the Michael Phelps of sleep... just 9 gold medals away from world domination... What's that, did you say "In your dreams"? Yep, exactly

Fifth, doctors treat you with contempt. This might seem like whining, but it's not. See, the only treatment available today for the excessive sleepiness I have day in and day out is very powerful drugs. First is Xyrem, which is actually code for GHB, which gained notoriety as a date-rape drug. It's illegal in the US except by prescription. Second is stimulants which are also controlled. Doctors naturally think that I'm a druggie if I speak about needing stronger stimulants or ask if I can get Xyrem. It all makes sense now right? It doesn't help that I NEED the drugs to function because isn't that the definition of addiction?

Sixth, and last only because I can't think of anything else right this second, and it is 3AM for the love of corn!, I can do real circus-type tricks. For example, I went into the doctor the other day. It was the VA, and they love me there. I'm quite popular, it's true. Not every day that they see a person with Narcolepsy grace their door, and they are better for it I'm sure. Anyway, the nurse lady took my BP, which was 149/97. That's high for me, or at least I think it is. Anyway, she told me to relax and she'd take it again in a few minutes.

Well, I went to sleep right away and remember dreaming about Lamas breathing techniques my wife and I practiced with all 5 kids. Didn't do them mind you, just dreamed about them. When she took the BP again about 3 minutes later, 128/87. 20 point drop thank you very much!

She didn't believe me that I'd fallen asleep, but then again, she couldn't explain the drop in BP either. She doesn't have Narcolepsy so it doesn't make sense. Sleep is like a light-switch for me. On, I'm awake, off, I'm asleep. It's that simple. I feel sorry for those who have to wait so long to go to sleep.

Now, who feels sorry for whom? Hmm?